Tag Archives: Awareness

Healthy Boundaries – A Hypothesis

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What are they?  Where do we use them?  And why didn’t anyone teach me the importance of Healthy Boundaries during my childhood?  It seems that this lesson keeps popping up in my life and that the threads of the concept are woven deeply in my fabric.

Life lessons are so damn tricky!  It amazes me each and every time that I think I’ve gotten a lesson under my belt, only to have it creep up time and time again, sometimes with painful delivery.  For me, it seems that Healthy Boundaries is a reoccurring lesson requiring deeper postulation and integration in my life.  After reading my thoughts, you may come to a different conclusion, in which case, I would like to hear your perspective.

During an introspective recently, I pondered the question “why do my feelings get so easily hurt by those I care the most about?”  I’ve asked this of myself and have heard it from most everyone I know at one time or another.  This is no unusual phenomena understandably, but a confusing place to be in the context of One Love reality, where we (individuals) are a reflection of one another, and we, living within the Law of Attraction, draw each and every person, situation, and experience into our existence.  Enlightened beings such as Abraham Hicks, Wayne Dyer, and Louise Hay (to name a few), say that our reality is a reflection of our inner self, that we create our reality.  I do agree with this theory, as I’ve seen and experienced the incredible co-creative power we all have.  What has bewildered me and others for so long is this; how is it that I/We as a loving and very giving being, attract so much inconsideration from those I/We give to?   Personally, I have always been the sort to be considerate of others feelings and needs, and when I can give or do something to help another person, I do.  It is with love and caring that I do for others, and I feel great in that space of Love.  We have all heard the saying “Do unto others as you would have done unto you”; it has always been a personal mantra for me, and I’ve lived it.  Then there’s “what goes around comes around” which epitomizes the Law of Attraction energy right?  So I am left to wonder, why?  Why does a person who loves and gives freely, not attract the same??  Suffice it to say, I do attract Love and I do receive from others in many ways, and I truly feel blessed.  It may be then, that the feeling of disappointment comes from an inner expectation of equality?  A variant degree of Love?  A specific definition of Love than others share?  There is so much postulation and hypothesis and enlightened theorizing going on within… where does it all end?  It all can be very confusing to say the least.

What therefore, can/is the foundational place from which all these questions can be answered?  From my perspective, each question both expressed and unexpressed here, has a legitimate theoretical answer that can satisfy the mind and ego.  However, the supreme energy and wisdom of Love is the best place (in my opinion) to start, and in the space of Love, all things are equal whether expected, defined, or otherwise.  Meaning, Love is the one absolute.  Anything given or done in the essence of Love, is given without expectation or attachment.  Love is Pure, Love is expressed without thought of gain or reciprocation.  Love is unconditional and free.  Love in my humble opinion, is felt most intensely by the one expressing Love, rather than by the recipient.  And it is in that moment of Loving expression that we let go completely, with no strings attached.  It is a gift to be shared, and we gain by sharing gifts, not by holding onto it.

So back to the question.  Why does a person who Loves and gives freely, not attract the same?  I offer a personal story from my past that helped me to clarify a personal stumbling point.  Growing up as I did, with little affection and nurturing (that I remember), I longed for it with all my heart.  Just as many other children in challenging situations, I observed, learned, and adopted belief systems and patterns that served me best; protecting myself, giving me an advantage, and rewarded me with the affection I craved.  One of the patterns I created out of this longing for Love was the pattern of Self-less Giving.  At first blush you may think that Self-less Giving is what giving is all about, but bear with me a moment.

My belief was ‘if someone really cares for someone else, they show it.’  Conversely, not showing someone you Love them, means they don’t care.  So I learned to always show others how much I loved them by doing whatever they wanted, mostly without regard for my Self.  I gave Self-lessly, and to nauseam at times.  As a sexually abused child, I learned that affection came through contact by men and boys who talked nicely to me.  I had no Self-esteem nor did I understand much of what was happening.  It was all so ‘normal’ since there was no reference to anything else.  So I observed, I learned, and I adapted.  I equated Love and affection with others touching me, then I immediately felt ugly inside my heart and ashamed when they said to keep it a secret and/or left abruptly.  I was being Self-less and giving in hope of the reward of Love, but never got Love in return.  I was also Self-less with friends, family, adults, people whom I wanted to be my friend, boyfriends, husbands, and then with my own child.  It took many, many years for me to realize one very simple truth; to be Self-less is to not Love your Self, and to not Love your Self is to attract others who do not Love you either.

As a child, I observed selfishness and I decided to be anything but selfish, this was my truth.  I was wandering aimlessly amongst my emotions and thoughts with no guidance, so my lesson took me the extreme alternate route.  My Self got lost in the process and I felt inconsequential, unimportant, and unworthy, all-the-while wondering why I was so unlovable.  Looking back, I can see clearly the Cause of those early beliefs, and the Effect it had on most of my life, but at the time(s), I thought Love would eventually come to me if I kept giving and doing and giving again.  I was sure that whatever I gave away would come back to me like a boomerang and I would be rolling in the LOVE!

While I understand the concept of what I know now to be the Law of Attraction, I was totally unaware then of what I was attracting the most; people who were more than willing to take everything I was willing to give away!  It’s not their fault that I gave it Self-lessly, all that mattered to them was that they got what they wanted.  Everyone was happy right?!

So this brings me to the subject, Healthy Boundaries:

  • LOVE thy SELF First!  Honor your needs and that energy will attract more of the same
  • LOVE does not require Sacrifice
  • LOVE without expectation and attachment –

If you love something, let it go.  If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever.  If it doesn’t, it was never meant to be.  ~ Unknown

To that end, Healthy Boundaries are necessary.  Again, what are Healthy Boundaries?  While I have not researched the definition to any great extent, I offer my own understanding, which is;

“an established extent to which one is comfortable in any given circumstance”

For instance, if my neighbor asked to borrow my car.  I would agree to it with the caveat that he/she take full responsibility of any damages incurred to the vehicle while in their possession.  A more personal example might look like being in Love with someone so much that you want to be with them everyday, yet maintain your own routine with your Self, and/or friends and family – preserving your individuality, space, and time, in harmony with your new partner and routine.

In both instances there exists an awareness of both giving/sharing and Self Love; of taking care of your interests in conjunction with the other’s needs.  The disappointment arises when the Self is not considered in the first place and is left feeling neglected.  The disconnect (with reality) occurs when we project this neglected feeling onto the other (unaware) person, thinking ‘they let me down,’ which is not only untrue, but also unfair to the unsuspecting person who has now fallen victim to your angst!

This all makes perfect sense doesn’t it?  It does now that we have lived it, now that there’s spiritual and metaphysical beings swarming this wonderful planet of ours, teaching and enlightening us on the ‘big picture’ of it all.  But this is not some new age theory that just magically appeared on a carved stone and delivered by a prophet.  Why were there no teachers around in our youth?  The question is purely hypothetical of course, as I am acutely aware that everything happens for a reason.  It is the quintessential duality of life… the student becomes the teacher… opposites attract… what you resist will persist… etc.  But I digress.

We live in an age of heightened enlightenment and our consciousness is evolving exponentially all the time.  I along with every other being on planet earth, is traveling our own journey, with unique experiences tailoring our perspective of ourselves and those around us.  We are meant to be where we are so we receive the wisdom that was carried by each experience we have.

There are so many of us on this planet, it really seems as if we are so unique that we are along in our experiences, but that is far from truth.  We are ALL ONE… LOVE… living shared and different experiences, Loving, Sharing, Learning, Evolving.  “There is no pain you are receiving” (Pink Floyd), there is only a failed expectation rendering disappointment in its wake.

You can minimize the pain and disappointment you feel by exercising pure unadulterated LOVE for your Self and others every day.  Love freely and without expectation of a future payoff.  Open your eyes and heart to all that IS and give no attention to what ISN’T – because what ISN’T is just a story you’ve told your Self – IT’S NOT REAL!!  Be Here Now, in the present moment, giving your Self fully to the possibility that everything is possible!!

Our thoughts design our reality, our emotions create our reality.  If you can think and feel strongly about anything, you create it – purely from the energy of thought and emotion.  It makes sense then doesn’t it, to spend time on only those thoughts and emotions which create the life you REALLY want?!

Sounds silly to some but, LOVE does concur all!

Bibliography

Hicks, Abraham.  The Law of Attraction

Dass, Ram,  Be Here Now

Lipton, Bruce,  The Biology of Belief

Hay, Louise,  You Can Heal Your Life

Millman, Dan,  The Life You Were Born to Live

The Story Maker

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We all have stories to tell right?  Stories of our life, our journeys, our fears and triumphs, our loves and losses… stories of lessons learned, epiphanys, and discoveries.  The human race is unique in our ability to communicate and connect with one another through the sharing of our own story, making obvious the fact that we are not alone in our thoughts, feelings, and experiences – there are only oh-so-slight variations in timing and circumstance that make each story unique to the story-teller.

The Con

There are other stories however, unspoken stories that we all share.  These stories are engrained into the very fiber of our BEing, gently and subtly shaping our thoughts and dictating our actions on a daily basis.  We go through life, unaware for the most part, of the impact of the unspoken stories that are continuously looping in the subconcious.  Examples such stories looping in the subconscious of many females is;

I must look and act a particular way to be accepted in society

I am not equal to men to power, intelligence, or ability

Women do not have the same opportunities as men

For men, some stories look like;

As the strongest of the two sexes, it is my responsibility to take care of the weaker female

Being strong means I can’t show my sensitive side to the world

Men are superior and entitled as decision makers

A common story among everyone is;

It is my responsibility to live up to societies expectations

Remember, these are unspoken stories, playing in a continuous loop in the subconscious; we generally are not aware that they are there, nor do we recognize the conscious thought on a daily basis.   These stories were not taught by our parents in the same fashion as they taught us to have manners or how to tie our shoes…

Now Becca, it is important you realize that your role in life is to be subserviant to your male counterpart, so do everything you can to please him… here’s how you do it.  or

Billie, to get anywhere in this world, you have to be the boss and show everyone you are in control of your emotions, actions, and female counterparts… and here’s how you do it.

Make no mistake about it though, these types of stories have been taught to us over many centuries, both verbal and non-verbally through action and observation, cause and effect, and misguided intention.

The examples given here are but a few of the many unspoken stories that have accumulated over time and solidified into belief systems within our subconscious psyche, determining our thoughts, actions, and reactions in life.  In most cases, the belief system (con) is disempowering, leaving one feeling helpless, fearful, and resigned to a particular outcome in a situation.  We sometimes get a glimpse of the story after-the-fact when we consciously say to our Self,

I wish I had trusted my gut feeling, or, Why did I do that?  That’s not the real me, or, If only I could do it over again

These thoughts are clues that our actions are out of alignment with our True Nature… The Soul of our BEing.  An end result of this Con might appear as the loss of a job that you were perfectly suited for, because you felt powerless in identifying a problem that you had a solution to but didn’t act on.  Another might appear as an act of indifference toward someone you care for because you wanted to project a certain (predefined) image, which ultimately repelled the person of attraction.  Human kind are MASTERS of the Con, with others to a degree, but especially with ones Self.

The Setup

How did we arrive at the conclusions we have drawn about ourselves?  Why is it so easy to believe more in our ‘weakness’ than our strength?  What will it take to regain and awaken the unlimited power we all possess?  The answers are no secret, yet kept as such for centuries by organized powers of authority in many ‘advanced’ cultures, including Atlantis, Religion, Royalty, and Government.  Without digressing to a large degree, suffice it to say that each of the aforementioned cultures, realized to a great degree, that there was great power and control in breaking the human psyche and spirit through dominance, fear tactics, and subduing confidence (world history has shown us this through slavery, indian and jewish genocide, etc.).  Egoism and greed have been a driving force for centuries, coupled with aggression and violence against those choosing to live peacefully among nature and themselves, the dominating cultures developed strategies to weaken the peaceful resistors.

When you contemplate human behavior of dominant cultures throughout history, you get a sense of how we arrived at these conclusions of ourselves.  There has always been sublte (and not so subtle) ‘programming’ of ‘weakness’ into our psyche from the beginning of history.  As each generation is programmed and experiences life from that perspective, it passes on its lessons/stories to the next generation, and so on, and so on.  These stories have compounded as our societies have evolved, and adapted to current societal pressures, essentially engrained into our collective consciousness.

But alas, we are strong in spirit!  Our individual and collective consciousness is also very strong and increasingly aware of our innate strength and power, and is triumphant over suppression tactics.  At some point, we all say;

This is B.S. and I’m not going to take it anymore!

And this is what it takes to regain and awaken the unlimited power we ALL possess!

The Score

The veil has been lifted now and blinders are off!  Arriving at the conclusion that “this has not worked so well for me,” begs the question, what now?  Buddha once said,

All that we are is the result of what we have thought.  The mind is everything.  What we think, we become.

A common translated version of that thought is,

If you can change your mind, you can change your life ~ William James

What afterall, are stories?  They are words that stem from thought, and thought (attention) according to Quantum Physics, creates matter (reality).  This is a very simplistic explanation of a much deeper theory of course, and will leave it to you to research it further if you are so inclined.  In the interest of staying on track, I will provide one other supportive reference to the theory though, and that is via an amazing discovery made the infamous Albert Einstein in 1925, who discovered,

E=mc2:  Energy = Everything!    (For more in-depth information on this topic, visit http://www.abundanceandhappiness.com)

So in summary, the Score for us is knowing that we are NOT locked into past perceptions of ourselves or others.  We can totally transform our human experience in this lifetime by changing our Mind… it is that simple!  Do not over-think, just do!  All thought, feeling, and matter is energy, and energy changes with intention/attention.  So why not shift your attention towards what REALLY makes you happy and follow your bliss?  Yes, it is true that we generally do this in our life already to some degree, but think about all the times you attempted to follow your bliss, only to sabotage your efforts by listening to that subconscious story that popped up during the process; ultimately defeating your goal and your enthusiasm.

To succeed in achieving your bliss and reprogram that persistent story, be diligent in

  1. Recognizing and acknowledging the story as it occurs
  2. Give thanks for what it provided you in the past
  3. Replace it with a new story that serves you NOW.  Do this by envisioning the outcome or goal you want for yourself.  See the brightest and happiest You you can imagine, Feel this vision with all of your BEing every time you come across the old story.  In time and practice, you will BE what you envision and already are!
  4. Seek the mentorship of someone you emulate
  5. Experience the amazing transformative power of Energy Work (I highly recommend EMF Balancing Technique and Reiki from a Certified professional)

Happiness is contagious!  The very Soul of your BEing is your True Nature, and recognizes instantly when you are aligned with your Life’s Purpose.  Happiness is the Soul’s indicator of BEing on the right path, and in being happy and following your bliss, you attract more of that same energy to you.  Remember, Energy = Everything, you attract more of what you are in life… so BE what you want most!  BE your own champion and only allow thoughts and action into your life that support your Soul, Heart, and Purpose.  BElieve in your power and ability to create exactly what you want and deserve in this life!  It is without a doubt that if you don’t BElieve it, no-one else will either ~ and you cannot create that which you don’t BElieve in.

The universe is immense and full of energy to support you and every other life form that exists, but only if you attract that energy with your own.

So, what’s your story?